Happy Sunday and for some happy love day. I personally do not celebrate 'Valentines Day' but to those that do, I hope you have a good one. I am celebrating the fact that Jah has blessed me in abundance with an overflow of love from him, my children, my family and friends.
This week I wrote an instagram post about the fact that my tears, my past and all my trials do not define me. It got me thinking about what actually does define me. I have been through some pretty awful circumstances, and have endured and battled my way through. Through these times I have felt low. I have felt so low that i felt worthless, as though my life held no value. At times even knowing that my kids would miss me didn't snap me out of those dark and gloomy times! I can't count how many times I cried out of frustration because I just couldn't get out of that dark place. Everywhere I turned was dark. Then a small piece of light, then Amy Winehouse style 'back to black'! That feeling of suffocation, and the feeling that you're screaming out for help but nobody can hear you! I don't know if you can relate but i know someone can. During these times I could see nothing positive about my life, about myself or my future.
When the dark clouds finally seemed to disappear for a decent period of time I didnt even know who I was. I was so used to being in that dark place and feeling and being negative that I could not enjoy the sunshine. This made me make many mistakes and fall into things I really didn't need to. I knew that I needed to find myself.
I started this journey of rediscovering myself last year. I had been through so so much and I needed to find out who I was. What I was about. what defined me. I had to ask myself a series of questions and answer them honestly to myself.
* Would I continue to live in my past?
*Would I continue to blame others for my own mistakes, I need to take responsibility
* What do I want to define me in my life?
These are just a few of what I questioned and asked myself.
Now anyone that has done or is doing a rediscovery journey knows how hard and emotional it can be. Reflecting over your past was a really hard thing for me. I had suppressed SO much. I didn't want to go back. But i knew that it was the only way to get my mind in the place it needs to be. I'm still on the journey (not quite there yet but im much much better than where i was and that's what counts)
You see, my past does not define who i am today. The fact that i became a young mother does not define me today, I'm a great mother and my firstborn and my others are happy and well loved.
The fact that I have been abused by ex partners does not define who i am today. God has made my heart not harden towards all men and is giving me a heart of forgiveness.
The fact that I may no longer be able to have children aged 29 does not define me because I am blessed to be a mother to 4 amazing children.
The fact that my marriage has broken down does not define me because I know my worth as a woman and as a wife.
The mistakes I made years ago, the people I hurt, the way I behaved do not define me. I have owned up to those mistakes, apologised to those I hurt and have changed my behaviour. JAH has forgiven me.
Today I am defined by what and who I am currently, and who i'm working to be in my future. Today I am on the journey to rediscover myself before life took over. Before relationships broke my heart and abused me. Today I am stronger than i've ever been. Today im learning to love myself as I am. Today I can define myself in a totally different way.
When you look at yourself what defines you? If its still your past then take a journey of rediscovery and trust me you will gain so much.